We have all been there. We agreed to peer review something, write something, help out with the planning of something, and then…life happens. When it comes to academic service and collaborations, most scholars do not know how to bow out gracefully from an existing commitment.
Many of the tools and strategies we hear about focus on how to say no up front, before a commitment is made. After all, saying no up front is often the easiest solution and many of us have gotten better at doing this. No reasonable person begrudges someone who says they are not available to work on something, particularly if that response comes soon after the ask.
Saying no after you have already agreed to work with or help someone, however, feels bad. It feels like you are letting the asker down. Most academics have gotten to where they are in their careers by holding themselves to very high standards (sometimes unreasonably high). Not honoring a commitment and thus feeling like you have failed to meet your own standards can challenge your sense of self.
That pressure, moreover, is felt by both sides in a supportive collaborative relationship. The person who asked you to review, write, or plan something usually wants to offer you as much grace as possible if you say you will get the job done. Supportive colleagues want to give you the chance to succeed, even if it causes them delays. But there are limits and we need to get better at drawing them—both when we are the asker and when we are the askee.
It is important for both the asker and the askee to know when it is time to say, “this isn’t going to happen” and to do so in a way that demonstrates respect for one another.
In a collaborative project, conversations about when and how you will agree to end partnerships should happen before you start working together. In the context of an asker/askee relationship, both sides bear responsibility in negotiating when time is up.
When it’s not about time
The first step in a collaborative/service break up is identifying when the issue is not actually about needing more time. It is completely fine to ask for an extension if one more day/week/month is truly all you need to finish the task you agreed to.
However, sometimes asking for extension after extension is an act of self-deception: we are attempting to manifest the energy and resources necessary to complete the task even when we know they will not and cannot magically appear. Time alone cannot manifest these things.
Which due date is the real due date
On the asker-side, it is important to identify three due dates: the ideal due date, the flexible due date, and final due date for whatever you are asking someone to do.
The ideal due date is the one that gives you (the asker) the most time to find someone else to do the task without having to delay the overarching project (the review process, publication, the conference, etc.).
The flexible due date is the one that provides you a window of time during which 1) if the original askee delivers on time the project will stay on schedule, but 2) if you do need to ask someone else the project may be delayed.
The final due date—which is non-negotiable—is the date after which the project definitely will be delayed. Once this has passed, you need to ask someone else who will only get a final due date for the task (and there is a risk that the task will not get done—the implications of which can vary greatly depending on the task).
Set the ideal due date as the one you tell the askee, the flexible one as the window in which you can consider extensions, and the final due date as non-negotiable—and stick to those dates! If you say you can only give an askee until a specific date, be sure that that date allows for you to either not get the task done (if that is feasible) or recruit someone else to do it.
On the askee-side, do not assume your asker has followed the above model! Treat the ideal due date as your target. If you have made no progress by that date (e.g., you haven’t even opened the materials that need to be reviewed, drafted some notes or an outline, or made a list of what you need to do) then do not ask for an extension. Acknowledge to the asker that you overestimated the time you had available and that they should move on without you.
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Flexibility in extensions
If the asker organizing the reviewing, writing, or planning task planned well, needing more time will likely not be the end of the world. After all, offering extensions to our colleagues, our students, and ourselves is simply the right thing to do. However, as those of us who teach find ourselves reminding our students, extensions cannot be completely open ended. At a certain point grades must be submitted, reviews completed, manuscript decisions made, and events planned.
As the askee contemplating asking for an extension, look at what you have already completed. If you have made progress and truly just need a bit more time, ask for twice the time you think you need. For example, if you think you can get it done in one day, ask for two. Humans are remarkably bad at estimating how long tasks will take us, and life happens unpredictably, so doubling your estimate is always a good bet. If you get it in early, great!
Assume that the asker may tell you that the time you requested is too much and that they will need to move on without you. This is not a judgment of your quality as a scholar or a human but a simple fact that the larger project must happen on a time frame you cannot meet.
If they tell you that they can only give you until a specific date within your requested extension, that is your hard due date. Be realistic about whether you can meet it. Unless you have made significant progress on the task already, it is best to say “sorry, I can’t do this” so they can move on.
Dealing with the feelings
As I mentioned above, no reasonable person holds it against you if you say no to a request or have to bow out of a task. (If you are such a person—who pushes back when someone says no or needs to bow out—please think about why you do that and what impact it has on the broader communities you interact with.)
The harshest way to explain why no reasonable asker holds it against you when you decline a task is that you are not special (sorry!). By this I mean that you are a person they thought of as a good fit for this task, but you are never the only person who is a good fit.
Perhaps years of crafting tenure files and grant applications that have to exalt our uniqueness and originality have made it hard for us scholars to remember we are part of a larger community of capable humans. Even the best of us sometimes forgets that there are (many) other people who can also do the thing we were asked to do—and do it well.
In fact, if you have to bow out of a commitment but can suggest someone else who can take your place, the asker will be ecstatic (although check with your colleague first!). Even if you cannot do that, letting an asker know you cannot complete a task is always better than disappearing on them. Being up front about expectations and timelines can help mitigate the personal feelings within this type of professional collaboration.
Conclusion
Saying no to something you have already said yes to does not mean the end of your career. It will not cause irrevocable damage to your professional or personal relationships. And, if you have planned your due dates and timing well, having someone tell you they cannot do something they originally agreed to should not derail your project. Creating supportive and humane academic communities necessitates giving our colleagues and ourselves the freedom to fail.
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